Healthy growth-oriented relationships are fostered through what is often called “the repetition of rupture and repair.” When two individuals come together and spend significant time and space intimately with each other, miscommunication and misattunement —rupture— inevitably happens. That is the nature of human relationships and is true for any relationship, including friendships and child-parent relationships.
Although this rupture can be uncomfortable and even painful, it illuminates the individuality and uniqueness of the people involved. The subsequent repairing process further provides them with opportunities to get to understand each other at a deeper level to develop more profound appreciation for one another. Through the repetition of this rupture and repair, relationships become more resilient and elastic, leading the couples to be able to remain connected while allowing each person’s individuality to shine. This relational capacity to withstand and mend the rupture is, in other words, the ability to give and receive love. We learn this capacity first through the repetition of the rupture and repair sequence in our relationships with our parents and then further cultivate it through our relationships with others.
The process of rupture and repair is not always smooth and successful, which affects one’s “attachment style,” which is the way you relate to others in the context of intimate relationships. If the sequence of rupture and repair does not occur optimally, we develop creative ways to protect ourselves from a future rupture that could cause us to get hurt, get shamed, and/or feel vulnerable. Shutting down, lashing out, clinging, and lecturing are a few examples of some of the protective mechanisms. These protective mechanisms, which made sense at the time, can later contribute to unproductive relational patterns between two partners.
Couples Work will be practical and experiential. I offer a safe place where couples explore various parts of themselves and practice new ways of relating and connecting with one another.
You and your partner will identify the protective mechanisms that each of you has developed over time, those that have contributed to your unproductive relational patterns. You and your partner will also identify the wounded or vulnerable parts that “the protector has been protecting.” Couples Work aims to help you relate to one another from your compassionate adult selves without the protective parts or wounded parts getting in the way. You and your partner will also learn ways to nurture the resources you have at your disposal as a couple, so that you can enhance your relational quality and feel a sense of empowerment as one unit.
Over the years, I have witnessed the moment of profound connection between partners in session where everything becomes quiet. The gentle quiet stillness comes because the connection they are feeling in the moment is so palpable that they do not even have to say a word. They just know it and see it in each other’s eyes. I would like to help you get there with your loved one.
Areas of Focus:
- Frequent arguments & communication difficulties
- Difficulty in trusting one another
- Fear of emotional and physical intimacy
- Lack of passion for one another, loss of sparks, feeling like roommates with one another
- Disagreements in parenting, finances, and family relationships